Following a week in which:
– Liverpool won AGAIN hi.
– Benfica won AGAIN hi.
– Ciro Immobile scored AGAIN hi.
– Brendan Rodgers whitened his teeth AGAIN hi.
We, using quotes from my hometown’s favourite TV show Derry Girls, rank the 15 best football teams in Europe. Lethal hi.
15. Willem II (New Entry)
Didn’t expect to see Willem II in the Definitive European Power Rankings, did you? Neither did I to be honest, but because it’s been a pretty lean week, I scoured Eredivisie and found William Shatner FC are actually really good.
They’re unbeaten in their last seven league games, and have beaten Ajax, PSV Eindhoven and AZ Alkmaar in recent weeks. That’s impressive.
So raise a glass to Willem II, and congratulate them on their first ever appearance in 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings. Leefs hi.
14. Schalke 04 (New Entry)
“Directly before the weeping, can you remember what you were doing? What you were talking about?”
After a Christmas period of mourning the loss of their prodigious goalkeeper – Alexander Nübel – to Bayern Munich (yeah, that’s happened before…), Schalke 04 stopped weeping, dusted themselves down and got back to business.
And by back to business, we mean beat high-flying Borussia Monchengladbach. Pure class hi.
13. Marseille (New Entry)
“Ach, Fionnula, what about you? I thought I could smell vinegar!”
Ach, Andre Villas-Boas, what about you? I thought I could smell Premier League flop!
And after flopping, in a big, big way in England, it looked like AVB’s managerial career might’ve been dead and buried.
But now he’s back, in pog form (wrong show, but it had to be done)!
The former ‘next big thing’ is making waves in France with Marseille, playing some of the best football in Europe and guiding them to second in Ligue 1. Fair play hi.
12. Bayern Munich (Up 2)
“Oh, bunk. I’ll find some dirt on you yet, boy. I’ve got people working on it.”
Bayern are working on it.
They’re working on a way to reinvigorate their squad.
They’re working on a way to challenge RB Leipzig at the top of the Bundesliga.
They’re working on a way to get out of paying £120m for a Philippe Coutinho – because he’s pure brock hi.
11. Benfica (Up 2)
“Step aside, we are armed.”
Benfica’s last 14 Primeira Liga games:
Goals Scored: 37.
Goals Conceded: 4.
Goal Difference: +29.
Step aside Portuguese football teams, Benfica are armed and dangerous. Far too good hi.
10. Barcelona (-)
“They were having a party. I could hear the music.”
Thou shall not make any Ibiza jokes. Thou shall not make any Ibiza jokes. Thou shall not make any Ibiza jokes. They’re lazy and everyone else has done them…
The Quique Setien era at Barcelona began in earnest this past week, with the former Real Betis overseeing surprisingly slender wins over Granada and Ibiza.
The mediocre performance in Ibiza was probably largely due to the fact that the Barcelona players were TOO BUSY RAVING WITH WAYNE LINEKER AND TIESTO AND [INSERT DJ NAME HERE] WAHEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to care about the match. Nearly refrained hi.
9. Manchester City (-)
“What are we going to do?”
“Well maybe we could start with calming the f**k down.”
Don’t panic Manchester City, the only player at the club who can actually defend is now fully fit. And judging by the fact that his return coincided with the Citizens’ first clean sheet in five games, that’s a pretty good thing.
Nice one hi.
8. Inter (Down 3)
“Does anyone have 10p, I’m ringing Childline.”
“You can’t ring Childline every time your mother threatens to kill you.”
Inter, you can’t sign a Premier League player every time you drop points. That isn’t going to work.
What you really need is a tactical plan B. You need to work out a way to win games when you’re not going “100 km/h”.
That’s the key hi.
7. Leicester City (-)
“Lovely, altogether. You know, every year I sit backstage listening to the singers and it really makes me realise just how talented the professionals who originally recorded these tracks were.”
Big Brendy Baps and Leicester City are lovely, altogether. They absolutely pummelled West Ham in midweek and sit pretty comfortably in the top three.
You know, watching them really makes me realise just how good Liverpool are, because they’re 19 points clear of Leicester City. That’s mad hi.
6. Paris Saint-Germain (Up 2)
Kylian Mbappe’s Ligue 1 stats:
Games Played: 14.
Neymar’s Ligue 1 stats:
Games Played: 12.
Great showing from the two most electric footballers in Europe. Absolutely unreal hi.
5. Real Madrid (Down 1)
“Relax love, we’ve a good two or three hours before the rioting starts.”
Things are going really well at Real Madrid at the moment. They’re joint top of La Liga, through to the next round of the UEFA Champions League and the Copa del Rey, and all their golden oldies are performing.
So we can fully expect all hell to break loose, riots to ensue and the sky to fall when they inevitably are knocked out of the Champions League by Manchester City. It’s going to be a disaster hi.
4. SS Lazio (Up 2)
“Well I am not being individual on me own.”
Usually 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings team laud Ciro Immobile, at least, twice a week. However, this week, we thought that it’s high time we praised his supporting cast, because they’re all bloody brilliant too.
– Simone Inzaghi: You’re best manager in Italy; keep up the good work.
– Thomas Strakosha: It’s very impressive to be this good at 24 years old.
– Luiz Felipe: You’re only 22? Prospect much?!
– Francesco Acerbi: We are so glad you’re still playing football, and doing so at the highest level.
– Stefan Radu: Nice job with the whole conversion from left back to left centre back. Seamless.
– Manuel Lazzari: What a signing you’ve been.
– Sergej Milinkovic-Savic: You’re probably the best midfielder in Serie A.
– Lucas Leiva: It’s weird how good you’ve been in recent years.
– Luis Alberto: How did Liverpool not see how amazing you are?
– Stefan Lulic: The best LWB in Serie A for over a decade.
– Joaquin Correa: I just really enjoy watching you play football.
Props to you all hi.
3. RB Leipzig (Down 1)
“Lovely job so far Seamus, but, you know, keep it moving – Rawhide is on in 15 minutes.”
Lovely job so far Julian, but, you, keep it moving – Bayern Munich have won their last four and are just four points adrift of your RB Leipzig atop of the Bundesliga. Keep up the good work hi.
2. Juventus (Up 1)
“Orla has got really into step aerobics. Her instructor says she’s a natural. Says she’s got what it takes to go all the way.”
Maurizio Sarri has really got into this whole winning this. He’s a natural.
So far this season, he’s become only the second manager since 1929/30 to win 14 of his first 15 home games with Juventus. Oh and he’s also accumulated more Serie A points in his first season in charge than any other manager in the club’s history.
He’s got what it takes to go all the way with Juventus hi.
1. Liverpool (-)
“We’re basically celebrities now, we’re like The Corrs.”
The 2019/20 Liverpool team are basically the best team in Premier League history now, they’re like the Corrs…no that’s not right…I mean, they’re like a mix between Arsenal’s ‘Invincibles’, Man City’s ‘Centurians’ and Manchester United’s treble winners all wrapped into one.