90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings: Week 16 – Golden Globes Special

​Following a week in which:

– Inter BOTTLED the UEFA Champions League.

– 90min had their Christmas party. 

– Man City BOTTLED the Manchester derby. 

– 90min drank a lot. 

– Jose Mourinho BOTTLED the game against Bayern by not playing the best player in the world (Troy Parrott); the sole reason they’ve been excluded from this week’s rankings.

– 90min are hungover. 

We rank the 15 best teams in Europe using the nominees for ‘Best Television Series – Drama’ Golden Globe award. 


15. Manchester City (Down 4) 

FBL-ENG-PR-MAN CITY-MAN UTD

“If I was to give Tom a letter grade, I’d give him a B+ for Bad plus Terrible.” 

Succession

The Cityzens slumped to a pretty embarrassing defeat to arch rivals Manchester United last weekend because their defence is shockingly bad.

 

So bad in fact, that if I was to give ​Manchester City’s defence a letter grade, I’d give them a B+ for Bad plus Terrible. 


14. Borussia Dortmund (Re-Entry) 

Marco Reus

“The weakest strong man at the circus.” 

Succession 

So ​Borussia Dortmund are right slap bang in the middle of a Bundesliga title race and in the last 16 of the UEFA Champions League. 

Sounds like they’ve been lights out this season, right? 

Well, they really haven’t. Rather, they’ve looked average at their best, and diabolically atrocious at their worst. We’re really not sure how they’re in the title race in Germany and in the last 16 of the Champions League. 


13. Juventus (Down 6) 

FBL-ITA-SERIEA-LAZIO-JUVENTUS

“Too much knowledge can be a dangerous thing.” 

The Crown

Do Juventus have too many good players? 

It sounds ridiculous, but there are in fact so many good players in the squad that it is quite literally impossible to get them all into one starting XI. 

Play Cristiano Ronaldo and Gonzalo Higuain – sacrifice Paulo Dybala. 

Play Aaron Ramsey – sacrifice Federico Bernardeschi.

Play Matthijs de Ligt – sacrifice Merih Demiral.

IMPOSSIBLE. 


12. Wolves (Up 1) 

Diogo Jota

“It looks like there might be a slight uptick in ticket sales.” 

Succession

– 18 games unbeaten? Check.

– A win over Manchester City? Check. 

– A forward whose scored five goals in his last three games? Check.

– Ruben Neves and Joao Moutinho in midfield? Check. 

It looks like there might be a slight uptick in ticket sales at Molineux.

Wolves. Are. Box. Office.


11. Benfica (Up 1) 

Pizzi

“You’re like, so nice.”

“This is Monterey. We pound people with nice.” 

“To death.” 

Big Little Lies

Benfica’s last 10 Primeira Liga games: 

Played: 10.

Won: 10.

Drawn: 0.

Lost: 0.

Goals Scored: 26.

Goals Conceded: 3.

Goal Difference: +23.

Benfica pound other Portuguese teams to death.


10. Manchester United (Up 5) 

Marcus Rashford

“You know what, I think America is tired of Twitter fighting.”

The Morning Show

You know what, I think Manchester United are tired of Twitter fighting. They’re tired of fans being on their backs. They’re tired of Mark Goldbridge’s Alan Partridge shtick. They’re tired of being slagged off. 

So to quieten the haters, they’ve decided to be good again. 


9. Paris Saint-Germain (Re-Entry) 

Kylian Mbappe

“Letting yourself into my apartment and drinking from a ting cup doesn’t make you intimidating, by the way. It’s just rude.” 

Killing Eve

Beating Galatasaray (Premier League rejects FC) 5-0 at the Parc de Princes and opening up a five point lead at the top of Ligue 1 doesn’t make you Champions League favourites by the way. 

It’s just rude. 


8. Borussia Monchengladbach (Re-Entry) 

Rami Bensebaini

“You never let a bully win. Do you hear me? You have to speak up, Amabella. You have to be a big girl and use your voice in this world. That’s why they call me a bulldog because I had to learn how to fight back with a bully.” 

Big Little Lies

There’s one rule in German football: 

You never let Bayern Munich win. Do you hear me? You have to beat them. You have to fend off the Robert Lewandowski’s of this world and come out swinging, attacking their leaky defence at the most opportune moments. 

Borussia Monchengladbach did that. They fought back and now they’re top of the Bundesliga. 


7. Atalanta (Re-Entry)

FBL-EUR-C1-SHAKHTAR-ATALANTA

“The world’s tallest dwarf.” 

Succession

Atalanta will earn around €39m by qualifying for the UEFA Champions League round of 16 for the first time in the club’s history; their annual wage bill is €36m.

The Champions League’s tallest dwarf! Drop kicking Europe’s footballing giants for the craic. 


6. Real Madrid (Up 2) 

Vinicius Junior,Eder Militao,Rodrygo

“Hey, this is where the party is at. Look at us, all the cool and beautiful people in one spot.” 

Succession

Hey, Real Madrid are really good again. They have Karim Benzema banging in the goals. They have Fede Valverde running the midfield. They have Toni Kroos creating more chances than anyone else in the UEFA Champions League group stages for the second consecutive season. 

Nice one lads. 


5. Lazio (Up 1) 

Sergej Milinkovic Savic

“Who would spend that much money on that man? He’s so excited about his brown sauce, it makes me sick.” 

Killing Eve

Look Claudio Lotito, let’s face it no one is going spend £150m on Sergej Milinkovic-Savic. 

BUT, that is a blessing because let’s face it, you have absolutely no chance of signing anyone that is remotely capable of replacing him. He’s lights out. 


4. RB Leipzig (Down 1) 

FBL-EUR-C1-LYON-LEIPZIG

“Literally everything I’ve been aiming for.” 

Killing Eve

The best team in Germany, in the Champions League round of 16 for the first time, with the best German forward on the books and the most promising manager in Europe at the helm. 

This is literally everything RB Leipzig have been aiming for. 


3. Barcelona (Up 2) 

Ansu Fati,Jean-Clair Todibo

“Keep one eye on the future. The distant future.” 

The Crown

Ansu Fati is one for the future. The distant future. 

For now, he’s just scoring matchwinning goals at San Siro in the UEFA Champions League. No biggie. 


2. Leicester City (Up 2) 

Jamie Vardy

“Ok. Thanks for giving us your Saturday. It turns out people are still murderous bastards on a Sunday.” 

Killing Eve

Ok, so, it turns out Leicester City are still murderous bastards on Sundays. They ripped Everton limb from limb two Sunday’s ago, and this past Sunday they killed Aston Villa at Villa Park. 

They’re the real deal. 


1. Liverpool (-)

Mohamed Salah

“In an increasingly complex world, we all need certainty.” 

The Crown

While the rest of the Definitive European Power Rankings changes week in, week out. While the quotes and tv shows are different every week. And while the images and intro are slightly different every week, there is but one certainty: 

​Liverpool will be top. 

They’ll have that ‘(-)’ by their name.

And they will be lauded in the paragraph below.

Liverpool are the best team in Europe. That’s a fact. 


Let’