90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings: Week 17 – Gavin & Stacey Special

​Following a week in which: 

– Mason Greenwood STARRED for Manchester United.

– Pizzi STARRED for Benfica. 

– Timo Werner STARRED for RB Leipzig.

We, using quotes from Gavin & Stacey – ‘OH, WHAT’S OCCURRING?’ – rank the 15 best teams in Europe.

15. Tottenham Hotspur (Re-Entry) 


“Party? London? Saturday? A party in London this Saturday?”

Forget The Death of a Salesman. Forget Cyrano de Bergerac. Forget To Kill a Mockingbird.

It’s official: ​Tottenham Hotspur are the must-see show in London.

They have a matinee performance this Sunday at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, and after their recent games (a 5-0 win over Burnley and a thrilling 2-1 win over Wolves), I’d urge each and every one of you to check it out. Olivier Awards incoming!!!!!!!

14. Manchester City (Up 1)

Kevin De Bruyne

“This is O-Bama alright? Not to be confused with O-Sama. O-Bama. O-Sama. Very different people, with very different ideas.”

This is ​Manchester CITY alright? Not to be confused with Manchester UNITED. CITY. UNITED. Very different football clubs, with very different ideas. 

One is the middle of a transitional period, the other can’t defend for sh*t; so the latter is lower in 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings. 

13. AS Roma (New Entry)


“Excuse me if I’ve forgotten what romance looks like you pathetic lump of sh*t.”

Oh hoi AS Roma, long time no see. 

I notice you’re back in 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings for the first time since last season. Well done. 

After moving up to fourth in the Serie A table with a comfortable win over SPAL, it’s about damn time too. Congrats.

12. Borussia Dortmund (Up 2)

Jadon Sancho

Nessa, you look fabulous.”

Jadon Sancho’s last eight games (all competitions): 

England – Montenegro: One assist. 

Borussia Dortmund – Paderborn: One goal and one assist. 

Barcelona – Borussia Dortmund: One goal. 

Hertha Berlin – Borussia Dortmund: One goal.

Borussia Dortmund – Fortuna Dusseldorf: Two goals and one assist. 

Borussia Dortmund – Slavia Praha: One goal and one assist. 

Mainz – Borussia Dortmund: One goal and one assist. 

Borussia Dortmund – RB Leipzig: One goal and one assist. 

Sancho, you look fabulous. 

11. Manchester United (Down 1)


“You think they’ve thought of it all. You think, ‘Where can they go with this next?’ and then they hit you with it. I mean mint Baileys! Whatever will they think of next!?”

You think they’ve thought of it all – David Beckham, Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes. You think, ‘Where can they go with this next?’ and then they hit you with it. I mean Mason Greenwood! What a player! He’s the best striker of a football in the Premier League and he’s two years old.

Whatever will they think of next?!

10. Benfica (Up 1)


“The razor’s by the sink.”

Benfica’s last 11 Primeira Liga games:

Played: 11.

Won: 11.

Drawn: 0.

Lost: 0.

Goals Scored: 30.

Goals Conceded: 3.

Goal Difference: +27.

Benfica slice and dice all comers in Portugal – including our favourite little club Famalicão. 

9. Paris Saint-Germain (-)

UEFA Champions League"Paris St Germain v Galatasaray AS"

“Of course I’m bloody coming!” 

‘Did Paris Saint-Germain win their Ligue 1 this past week?’

Of course they bloody did!

They beat St. Etienne 4-0. Eassssyyyyyyy work.

8. Juventus (Up 5)

Cristiano Ronaldo,Gonzalo Higuain,Merih Demiral,Paulo Dybala

“The internet’s just incredible, innit?”

“It is, Gavin, it is, provided you remember the one golden rule, and I’ll tell you what, it took me a while to get my head round it. What it is, you have to start everything with ‘w-w-w-dot’.”

Juventus are incredible, aren’t they?’

They are, 90min reader, provided that Maurizio Sarri remembers the one golden rule, and I’ll tell you what, it took me a while to get my head round it. 

What it is, you have to start Paulo Dybala, Gonzalo Higuain and Cristiano Ronaldo together. 

7. Real Madrid (-)

Antoine Griezmann,Raphael Varane,Sergio Ramos

“I’ll have a pint. Of wine.”

A pint of wine is the only thing that got me through Wednesday night’s not-so-classic Clasico. Painful viewing. PAINFUL.

6. Barcelona (Down 3)

Antoine Griezmann

“I’m not being funny Stacey, but you wanna get a life. What you said just now was really boring.”

I’m not being funny ​Barcelona, but you need to sort your sh*t out. What you did that night was really boring. Painful viewing. PAINFUL. 

5. Leicester City (Down 4)

James Maddison

“I just can’t believe this, Stace. Of all the people I’ve slept with it’s him gets me pregnant. Not Nigel Havers, not John Prescott, not any of Goldie Lookin’ Chain. No, some knobhead from Essex.”

I just can’t believe this. 

Of all the football teams in the Premier League, Leicester City are the ones challenging Liverpool atop of the table (kind of). Not Manchester City, not Tottenham Hotspur, not Chelsea. No, Jamie Vardy and big Brendy baps. 

4. Borussia Monchengladbach (Up 4)

Alassane Plea,Florian Neuhaus

“I’ve been updating the MySpace. I’ve got 17 friends! I’m snowed under!”

Borussia Monchengladbach are going viral! 

They’re the hipsters’ favourite because of their high press and name that no one can really spell. 

If they’re lucky (or unlucky…definitely unlucky…undoubtedly unlucky) they could get a Mundial article written about them entitled: ‘BORUSSIA MONCHENGLADBACH IS HARD TO SPELL BUT THEY PLAY FOOTBALL GOOD’.

Hipsterific baybee. 

3. Lazio (Up 2)

Felipe Caicedo,Ciro Immobile

“It’s the last thing you expect to find when you come into work in the morning.” 

Lazio are the last football club you expect to find when you scrolled down to the top three of 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings – and yet here they are, ripping teams limb from limb in Serie A.

After their win over the previously unbeaten in 14 league games Cagliari (and breathe), Lazio are sitting pretty in third place in Serie A, six points behind league leaders Juventus BUT with a game in-hand. Nice one. 

2. RB Leipzig (Up 2)

Timo Werner

“There’s a cracking new website. It’s called the ‘You-Tube’, and you can watch all manner of things on there, some of it quite cheeky. The other night for example, I watched three episodes of Desperate Housewives back to back. I mean, I’ve got the box set, of course I have. But there’s something magical about watching it live.”

Have you watched Timo Werner highlights on the You-Tube yet? 

You should.

He’s probably been linked with a move to whatever sh*tty little club you support, and he’s bloody brilliant. So brilliant in fact, that he’s now scored 18 league goals this season AND IT’S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS YET. 

1. Liverpool (-)

Mohamed Salah

“Surprise, surprise, surprise, SURPRISE!!!”

Well…not really a surprise.

In fact, ​Liverpool being top of 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings is perhaps the least surprising thing in the world; behind maybe the Star Wars film being sh*t (the new trilogy was a mess.

They’re the best team in Europe, and on Saturday they’ll probably be crowned the best team in the world.