Following a week in which:
– Liverpool WON their first league title in three decades.
– Bayern Munich WON their first league title in 12 months.
– Arsenal WON their first game of football in a lifetime.
We, with a martini glass in one hand and an edible in the other, rank the current 15 best teams in Europe using quotes from Netflix OG classic ‘Grace and Frankie’.
“I played by all the rules! Why didn’t you tell me there weren’t any rules, it’s not fair!”
Life isn’t fair if you’re a Borussia Dortmund fan.
Your club has done everything by the book. It’s developed wonderkids, it’s made clever signings within a tight budget, it’s released cool hipster kits, and it’s even played expansive, attacking football.
And yet, BVB still are a million miles away from challenging Bayern Munich atop of the Bundesliga.
It’s not fair!
“Your struggle is an inspiration to all of us. Here are your Gucci loafers.”
Poor little Manchester City.
On Wednesday night, the plucky little Citizens heartbreakingly slipped to a defeat a Stamford Bridge which saw them relinquish Premier League crown.
So how will they bounce back from such a cruel fate? Well probably by signing £500m worth of new players.
“You know, at my age I only have one speed: breakneck. Of course I don’t call it that, because it is a very real fear.”
Santi Cazorla only knows one speed at this point of his career: breakankle.
Of course he doesn’t call it that, because that is a very real fear, but the little Spanish midfielder’s sheer willingness to say ‘f–k it’ (two Grace and Frankie quotes in one entry, what a time to be alive) and try whatever idea – no matter how audacious – that pops into his head, is commendable.
This past weekend he did exactly that, by catching the whole Valencia defence off guard with a wonderfully weighted first-time volleyed pass to Gerard Moreno – who thankfully then smashed the ball into the top corner.
“We are both formidable people who detest children.”
Atletico Madrid have been pretty formidable opponents since La Liga’s restart. Diego Simeone’s side made it four wins out of the last five in the league at the weekend with a 2-1 win over Alaves.
Yes, they scored more than one goal in a game; the second time they achieved that feat since the restart. Scary stuff.
“This is not the energy I wanted to start my vision quest with.”
Inter, this the not the energy your fans wanted to start your hunt for the Scudetto with.
Not at all.
Instead of kickstarting their post-COVID title challenge with three wins over three teams that they really should be beating, Inter could only muster two very very hard fought wins and a draw. And that draw, bah gawd, that 3-3 draw at home to Sassuolo – a team coming off the back of a thumping at the hands of Atalanta – would’ve felt like a defeat.
“When you left, I thought my life was over. I can’t sleep in that big f—ing bed without him. But I did it. And now I love having that bed to myself, it’s fantastic, I sleep in a giant X! You know what this means? Im okay, and I’m going to be okay. Ta-da, congratulate me.”
When Mauricio Pochettino left, we thought Tottenham’s time as a top side was over. They couldn’t win a game without him. But then they did. And now, with Harry Kane and co. back fully fit, things are going rather well. They snatched and entertaining draw with Man Utd and then a comfortable win over West Ham! You know what that means? They’re okay, and they’re going to be okay.
Ta-da, congratulate them.
“Sweet, muscular Jesus!”
Sweet, muscular Adama Traore!
The guy is unbelievable. As athletically gifted as anyone in the sport, and as talented on the ball as anyone in the Premier League, Traore has been the literal driving force behind Wolves’ exceptional recent form.
If they can keep hold of him they may, someday, be as good as my FM20 Wolves team – which recently won the league and cup double.
“I love spinning your bonkers ideas into gold.”
Marco Rose’s tactical setup is a bit bonkers, but it’s been turned into gold at Borussia Monchengladbach this season.
Against all odds, Gladbach have counter-attacked their way to Champions League qualification.
“I struggle to believe you.”
On paper, the 4-0 win over Lecce is quite an impressive one. You may say it’s a return to form.
But (big, fat, stinking football cliche incoming) football isn’t played on paper.
If you watched Juve’s win over Lecce, you probably still have reservations over Maurizio Sarri’s side and know full well that, while they’re four points clear at the top of the table, it’s still all to play for in Serie A.
“Everybody needs to toughen up and get me resurrected before I really lose my s–t!”
Are Man Utd back?
If they win the FA Cup and sneak into the top four, they will definitely will be, if they don’t then their fans will definitely lose their s–t.
“I am young. My joints are supple.”
Ok, this Chelsea team is a lot better than we thought.
It’s so good in fact, that it’s already won a Premier League title…not for themselves…but still…it counts.
“I don’t need anybody but me to tell me that I’m an artist.”
Karim Benzema doesn’t need anybody to tell him that he’s currently the best player in the world, but we at DEPR are going to tell him he is anyways.
Benzema, mate, you’re the best player in the world at the moment. Keep up the good work buddy.
“I’m just like you but with a better personality.”
Here’s some stats to sink your teeth into:
– Atalanta have scored 10 goals in their three games since the restart.
– They’ve scored 24 more goals than Juventus in Serie A this season.
– They’ve scored 3+ goals in 17 different games this season.
– They’ve won five games by a five-goal margin in 2019/20.
Atalanta are a lot like your favourite football but with a much, much, much better frontline.
“I mean, there’s something to be said for being part of a tradition that’s been going on for thousands of years.”
Bayern Munich lifting the Meisterschale at the end of the Bundesliga season is basically tradition at this point.
They’ve won it in each of the last eight seasons, and it’ll take some semblance of a miracle for them not to do it again next year.
“Can we wrap this up? I want to go clubbing.”
Winning your first league title in 30 years AND moving to the top of 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings in the space of a week?! Surely it doesn’t get any better than that.
Liverpool fans, it’s time to celebrate – IT’S TIME TO GO CLUBBING.
But in a responsible, socially distanced way.